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Enhancing Your Child's Capacity for Self-Love

Top Strategies to Enhance Your Child's Capacity for Self-Love

By Connie Hammer, MSW, PCL Certified Parent Coach

Self-Love is something all Human beings struggle with regardless of age or ability. But when children perceive themselves as flawed - either from an autism label they have been given, or a negative comment from a bystander, or an expectation they cannot realistically meet - the ability to love themselves can be very difficult. 

How does a child learn to love himself or herself? Unfortunately, our current media-saturated society bombards children with messages and images of unrealistic perfection to which they constantly compare themselves. This makes it difficult for children to get in touch with and accept their true and precious selves.  On Valentine's Day, the focus is all about showing our love to others, which is great! Unfortunately, loving others means giving from the inside, and if nothing substantial or positive exists within, there's nothing to draw from and share with others.

Helping your child explore how he/she feels about themself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually will help him/her fulfill a sense of self and supply him/her with something to send out to others and have it returned in greater measure.

I believe there is a connection between self-talk and self-love. Regardless of your child's challenges and abilities, ALL children benefit from learning to listen to the positive voices inside their heads, and if your child doesn't have many, you need to help him/her develop some. 

If you are a constant self-critic, your body will eventually shut down to protect itself and depression can easily set in, making both love of self and others more unlikely. 

One way to practice self-compassion is to treat yourself kindly by increasing the amounts of positive self-talk and minimizing your negative inner voice. Studies also show that when we think soothing thoughts about ourselves, oxytocin and opiates are released, which makes us feel good. 

So get that voice inside your child's head to practice compassion and focus on the positive. The power of positive self-talk for children on the autism spectrum will help override any existing negative self-talk that may be keeping them from loving themselves. 

Here are two activities you can do to ban the self-critic inside your child's head and paint a more affirmative self-portrait.

Activity 1

Have your child list some positive traits he/she has such as honesty, kindness, patience, care, intelligence, etc. Add to the list of characteristics you believe he/she possesses as well. Then take several sheets of blank paper and write one trait on the top of each. Leave the rest of the page blank for writing examples of how this trait is displayed. 

If your child struggles with this, prompt them by pointing out how you see these positive attributes displayed. Tell your child what you observe regarding each trait and write it down. Repeat this with as many other family members and friends so your child can see his/her positive traits from as many perspectives as possible.

As each page grows with examples of how your child demonstrates each quality, a visual picture will begin to emerge that is full of positive, loving energy. Post these sheets in your child's room and review one each morning before he/she starts his day and another at night before bed. This will program your child's brain with thoughts that trigger self-love and help create more of the same.
Activity 2

Some children with autism are visual and think in pictures. Look for pictures that signify the affirmation you want them to absorb and cut them out. Have your child look for pictures of what is important to him/her and he/she's good at, or wants to be good at. 

You can then create a vision board with your child using the photographs and pictures. Doing this positive activity together will not only increase your connection with your child, but will also give you insight into his/her likes and dislikes, passion, and interests.

Why not spread the wealth and promote self-love for all family members? Consider doing these activities for each member of the family highlighting a different individual each week or month. Then stand back and watch the self-love grow!
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