Discovering Self-Harm and Helping Your Child Who Self-Harms

Discovering Self-Harm

Some children may tell their parents directly about their self-harm. Other parents find out from friends, teachers or health professionals. Discovering that your child is self-harming can feel very upsetting, unsettling, and stressful. Parents may experience a range of emotions, including anger, sadness, helplessness, or shame or disgust. It's normal to feel strong emotions and important to try and understand and accept them, so that you don't risk misdirecting them to your child. Try to think of their self-harming behavior as an expression of deep emotions they can't handle any other way. 

Helping Your Child Who Self-Harms

Although  an ideal goal might be to stop self-harm completely, it is important to think carefully before ‘just stopping’ especially if it is helping your child to manage distress. You may want to support your child to think about a plan for a gradual reduction first whilst they develop other ways to cope (unless their self-harm is life threatening).

Having Difficult Conversations:

• Have a conversation, but don't feel pressured to bring up self-harm straight away
• You could organize their around another activity, like a walk or drive
• Ask if anything is worrying them and how they have been feeling
• Let them know you are not judging them or putting them down, and that you love them and that this will not change
• Show that you are prepared to listen to whatever your child has to say
• If your child does not want to talk, see if they will write you a note, email or text message about how they feel
• Ask if they would rather speak to someone else (e.g., a GP, counsellor or helpline)
• If your child is open to talking about their self-harm, try to help them work out feelings and situations that may trigger it
• Try to think together of ways to handle strong feelings that don't involve self-harm
• Help them think through their problems and see possible solutions
• Encourage them to think about the long view and how things may change in the future
• Support them with any plans they make to stop or limit the self-harm
• Try not to ask them directly to stop the self-harm, help them to feel that they want to
• Help them to see any return to self-harm is part of the normal process of recovering and not a failure or a disaster

Other Ways to Help

Self-harm may be helping your child to cope with difficult feelings. It is therefore important to support them to think of other ways they might cope. These can include distraction, stress management techniques, and thinking of alternative methods of discharging extreme emotions. Sometimes joining a social activity or sports group can be helpful as a distraction. This can also provide a form of social support. Some people find that 'delaying' harming themselves can decrease or get rid of the urge. Work with the young person to reduce access to objects that they may use to self-harm (e.g., knives, medication) which could help protect them against any immediate impulse to self harm.'

It's important to balance a combination of distraction and emotion release techniques. Some activities that young people, parents and professionals have found helpful include:

Distraction: activities, self-soothing, stress relief

• Going for a walk, looking at things and listening to sounds
• Creating something: drawing, coloring, writing, music or sculpture
• Going to a public place, away from the house
• Making or using a self sooth box
• Playing a board game
• Exercise
• Stroking or caring for a pet
• Watching TV or a movie
• Playing computer games
• Watching videos on YouTube
• Getting in touch with a friend 
• Listening to your favorite music
• Having a relaxing bath
• Wrapping up in soft, heavy blankets
• Creating a safe place (real or imaginary)

Releasing emotions

• Crying
• Let feelings out by talking
• Writing down how you feel in a journal, weblog or letter
• Creating a piece or art or music demonstrates your feelings
• Sports or physical exercise
• Using a punchbag
• Hitting a pillow or other soft object
• Throwing a ball hard against a wall
• Listening to loud music
• Ring a helpline to talk

Grounding techniques

If your child becomes very distressed it can be useful to know some grounding techniques that you have previously agreed feel helpful. These could include:

• Give yourself a butterfly hug (arms wrapped around yourself and tapping alternative shoulders)
• Clenching an ice cube in the hand until it melts
• Cold flannel on face or back of the neck
• Smelling a strong scent
• Breathing exercises
• Grounding to the room e.g., name 5 things you see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste
• The alphabet game e.g., a word on a topic they like beginning with each letter of the alphabet (animals, Marvel characters, celebrities)
• The rainbow game e.g., name all the things in the room that blue, green, etc

Involving other family members

• You and your child can think together how much you want to tell other family members, including siblings. You can explain that your child is going through a difficult time without giving details
• Recognize that siblings will also need support from you  and may feel angry and express that their sibling is being selfish or causing distress in the family by self-harming. Be vigilant for any signs of self-harm with your other children
• You're still the parent. Don't be afraid to maintain the usual boundaries on your child's behavior (e.g., how they treat siblings) they may express frustration, but boundaries help children to feel safe
  
• The wider family may or may not understand why a child would self-harm, so you and your immediate family will have to think about how they might react and how you want to manage this together in a calm, supportive way. This may include coming up with a plan of "what to say' to help reassure your child should other people ask questions they don't feel comfortable with

Looking After Yourself

It can be easier said than done when you are worrying about your child, but it is important that you give yourself permission to look after your own needs too. Supporting a child who self-harms can be upsetting, frustrating and worrying and you will need to feel that you have your own places or people to go to for support. Often parents tell us that they can feel lonely in this situation as they feel that they are letting their child down or breaking their trust if they tell others. It is essential that you feel able to talk to your own friends or family, if you want to, you don’t have to tell them details, you could focus on how you feel about the situation and how you are coping. There are also support groups for parents as listed on pages 7 and 8.