What If My Friend Needs More Than I Can Give?

If your friend comes to you with a situation that feels too big for you to handle, such as bullying, self-harm, abuse, etc., you might not know what to say. It can be hard to find the right words to tell them that you care about them, but that you are not the best person to help them. Here are some tips that can help:

• Determine and share your boundaries: When a friend comes to you with something hard, you may feel like you want to do whatever you can to help them, no matter what it takes. But it is good to remember that you are not the only person that can help. Identifying and sharing what you are able to do and what you are not able to do will help you both know what to expect. It can also help you to make sure your needs are met while supporting your friend. For example, your friend may want to talk on the phone about what they are going through laten into the night. You can share with your friend that you are happy to talk on the phone with them, but will need to get going by 9 pm so you can get some rest. Talk about when you will connect with them next so they know you are there for them.
• Have a discussion about who else might be able to help: The challenge your friend is going through may require support from an adult. That trusted adult can make sure your friend is safe, protected, and gets the help they need. You can talk with your friend about who they feel comfortable going to. You can also talk through what might happen if your friend talks to this person so they are not surprised if further actions are taken afterward. Offer to go with your friend to talk to this adult if it would help them feel less nervous. 
• Provide them with resources: You may not be an expert on the problem your friend is trying to solve, but you can share resources with them from people who are experts. For example, you could say something like: “I’m not sure I’m the right person to help you with this. But I can give you info about who CAN help.” This lets them know that you care and provides them with tools they need to move forward. See the following page for a list of resources.
• Take care of yourself: Sometimes when a friend shares hard information with you, you may feel sad or worried. It can be a lot to deal with, especially if your friend has asked you to keep their situation private. To process your feelings, you could try writing in a journal or calling an anonymous warmline. You can also set aside time to do some activities to help you unwind.