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Why Scare Tactics and Criticism Usually Backfire

Believe it or not, your child's behavior makes sense

 

When we realize our child is using substances in unhealthy ways, our instinctive response is often to criticize them, threaten punishment, issue ultimatums, or try to scare them straight. But these tactics almost always backfire, entrenching secrecy and resistance to change. These methods assume that someone uses substances due to lack of willpower, bad judgement or poor moral character. Luckily we have science now that tells us none of these things is true. 

Understandably, we get angry when we discover lies about a child's substance use or feel fear imagining catastrophic possibilities like long-term addiction, accidents or overdoses. However, expressing our intense feelings through emotional outbursts, criticism or ultimatums usually makes things worse, not better.

Why don't punishments and scare tactics work? What fuels problematic substance use in young people isn't a simple desire for the temporary thrill of being intoxicated. Often, it's an attempt to self-medicate and cope with much deeper needs and wounds like: 

  • Loneliness, social awkwardness or anxiety around peers
  • Trauma or abuse they cannot process
  • Feelings of failure to meet high expectations
  • Grieving loss or absence of someone they love
  • Chronic depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts
  • Sexual orientation and gender identity confusion

Think about your child's current substance misuse. What problems do you believe it's likely solving for them? Write a few down as a way to start developing understanding and compassion.

Our kids turn to substances when they lack healthier tools for navigating difficult emotions and experiences. Heightening their shame and isolation through criticism is unlikely to help them open up or heal. As a matter of fact, the more you, nag and remind them of their missteps and mistakes, the further away they'll run.

Getting them professional help tailored to their unique situation is ideal. But first they need to feel safe being emotionally vulnerable with you. Keep listening, quieting your anger, focusing on being supportive, not shaming. Avoid labels like "loser," "addict," or "junkie," which reinforce low self-worth; feelings that can perpetuate their use. With empathy and compassion, you, as a parent, have the power to motivate real change. The influence you wield in this journey is significant if you learn how to be strategic and use a mix of education, psychology and actions to move your young adult child towards healthier choices. 

Your task is helping guide them back to safer use (or abstinence) and improved mental wellness, not proving how they've failed or threatening penalties which they may not have the skills to avoid. Be the listening ear, caring advocate and their safe and secure bridge back to a more balanced and healthy life.

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